From this point in, you'll notice a marked increase in the use of convoluted puns. I blame Noel Edmonds for that. No, really!

See, when I were a lad, Noel Edmonds had not yet become the UK's favourite bland TV host he is today. He used to have a Sunday morning radio show. Being a weekend show, Noel wasn't restricted to playing the latest Top 40 hits; he was allowed to play album tracks. That's why I listened to him. That and the fact that he invited listeners to send in long, drawn out and excruciatingly bad puns.

I remember a long tale about a quest to capture a species of bird called a "rary-bird" which, when caught, had to be transported to the other side of the world and (for reasons I no longer remember) tipped over a cliff. The punch line was "it's a long way to tip a rary ..."

Another involved a blind viking working on a building site. Unable to find a basin to wash in, his workmates suggested he use one of the bricklayers' hods instead. The rationale being that "a hod's as good as a sink to a blind Norse ..."

So ... now when you read the dreadful puns forced into the next few pages, you know where the inspiration came from!